Release.

So last night our youth group had a lock-in. I was only able to be there for 2 hours due to my work schedule this weekend. But the amazing thing is that because of the highly gifted leadership team that God has established in our youth group I was able to rely on them 100% and they carried the night through without a single hitch. I basically was just prayer support, and I came in for 2 hours to do some tech stuff and bring up the energy level while I was there.

I find myself growing and changing in my leadership role. I've always seen myself as a leader, but I've never seen myself as a leader of leaders. But I'm quickly having to learn how to become that because of the way my position has been evolving. I'm stepping back from all the worker-oriented tasks, and moving more into a coordination role. Not because I think I'm better than basic work, I love serving, even if that means super basic things like vacuuming and cleaning toilets, I never want think I'm "too good" for that. 'Cuz I never will be. But I'm having to step back from those worker-roles out of necessity, because the workers need direction, and someone has to provide it, and that becomes such a physical and spiritual focus that I have to rely on other people to do the basic work, while I almost supervise many different people and groups of actions and making sure they're staying on track.

My whole life I have been the "go-to guy", the guy who the supervisor relies on and sends to do all the basic work. It's something I'm really good at and I love to do. But now, without me ever trying or meaning to, I'm the guy who's looking for those "go-to guys" so I can rely on them and release them into meaningful ministry.

And that is the great reward for this giant change. I get to see these leaders and students who just needed someone to encourage them, and give them responsibility, and trust them to take ownership of a role within our church; be released into the callings that God has placed on their lives. I get to see them grow and learn and stretch the muscles of their giftings, I get to help them achieve a partnership with God and be a part of our youth ministry to change lives and create disciples.

What a fascinating place God is taking our youth group. I am excited.

I always find it amazing how much things change without us noticing them. Then when you finally do notice them, or those changes get put in front of your nose, you're like... "Whoa! I really am different!" or "Whoa! Things really have changed!"

It's crazy.

To save a life.

So recently I watched the movie 'The Hurt Locker'.

It was a very, very good movie. It's the story of a squad of bomb-removal specialists in the US Army in Iraq. These are the guys who go out onto the field to disarm booby-trapped cars, tripwires, landmines, IED explosives, basically anything that goes boom. Surrounded by people in the middle of cities where anyone could pull out their cell-phone and detonate the explosive you're trying to disarm, an explosive which will most certainly end your life, you can imagine the stress and adrenaline levels going through the roof on such missions.

Throughout the whole movie you watch as this bomb squad survives the most perilous situations, skating through by the skin of their teeth at times. You also see how they cope with the stress back at base camp.

These squads stay out on the field for 1 year then are rotated out and sent back to America to resume their "normal life."

At the end of this movie, the main star is in a Costco-esque grocery store, and he's shopping with his wife and kid. Before they're about to leave the wife asks him if he can get some cereal. He goes to the cereal aisle, and you see him standing there with an aisle of cereal in front of him, in perfect order, with probably 100 different kinds of cereal. And he just stands there and shakes his head. The contrast between his life in the field, and his life at home is resoundingly apparent. It causes the mind to wonder at the sheer hollowness of existence for the average American; because it causes you to compare this grocery-outlet lifestyle with the life-saving, life-endangered, action-packed, never-know-if-you'll-live-through-the-day lifestyle of his time in the bomb squad.

Humorously enough, I found myself connecting with the main character on a personal level. Because while I clearly do not risk my life in a tangible way, the willingness to sacrifice is still there for both of us. We are both in the business of saving lives. Just in two very different ways.

And that made me ponder about my life in ministry, and everything I give up for the cause, and what my life would be like if I was removed from it.

In one of the scenes, after a particularly harrowing feat of heroism, the main character goes into the shower with all his clothes on and just turns on the water to full blast and then sinks slowly to the floor and starts crying. I can identify with that! I've been there myself!

This life I live in absolute pursuit of everything God is calling me towards is hard, it's really freaking hard, and the idea of giving up usually pops up a couple times a week. But I wonder if I really did ever give up, would I find myself standing in the middle of a giant warehouse full of useless stuff that will ultimate become nothing more than ashes and dust in the long run, and realize how ridiculously hollow and pointless my life would be without Christ?

Posting on the grind.

I learned last night that when my plans fold, I don't need to get upset. It's interesting because I really messed up last night. I didn't fall short on my responsibilities, or hurt anyone, I just made a simple mistake which kept me from hanging out with people. But it sucked, a lot.

But I didn't get upset about it. I just took it as an opportunity for growth. Instead of going to see the movie which I missed, I went to the beach and prayed and read my Bible for an hour. I had cleared my night to watch this movie and hang out... But I decided that just because that fell through didn't mean I was going to get pissed and waste the time I had cleared. I don't get a lot of free time, and I think spending it with my Savior is just as good a way to spend it(or even better) than hanging out with friends.

Sure, it sucked that I missed the movie and everything, but breathing in the cold salty night was amazing and definitely as satisfying.

Kinda nice.

Yesterday one of the boys in my youth group who is a senior spoke to the youth group. He is a very intelligent young man, one of those boys who studies hard and well, and excels in all things academic.

I have gone through a long journey with him, where we've had lunches, and I've given him rides to his Aunt's house, I've hung out with him just to play video games. He grew up in the church, but not in one that was very concerned in teaching him how he can live out the immense life God is calling him to, but one that is more concerned that he doesn't smoke, and wears good clothes, and votes Republican. You know the type I refer to?

Anyway, I always appreciated him for the person he was, he's a very neat young man, but I never really thought I was getting through to him, it often felt as though the stale Christianity he had been taught during his younger years was too deeply entrenched, and the things I was trying to help him discover would simply bounce off that crusty old mindset.

I was pleasantly surprised last night to discover the absolute opposite. I find it hard to understand how he could have changed so much in his personal thinking, in his personal understanding of how he is going to live each day, and where God wants to take him, without me ever knowing it. This is a kid I talk to a couple times a week, who I hang out with, and yet I never knew the changes God was doing in his life.

That is at once both encouraging and scary. It is encouraging because it reminds me that ultimately God is the One who is going to bring about change. God is the one who will enlighten these students to truth through the Holy Spirit. Not me. He can and will work around and despite my inability to be everywhere and doing everything. It is scary because it tells me I can be so close to a person and yet not at all know what is happening inside them. What God is doing in them. It is scary because it makes me have to reanalyze my preconceived notions of the people that I know.

But regardless, I thank God for His work in that young man's life. I thank God that he allowed me to be there and hear him talk about the changes God has been doing. How absolutely amazing. How blessed I am. I pray that God would continue to work around me. I'll do what I can, but You do take care of the rest. You take care of the miracles, Lord. Thank You.

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On a side note, I have decided to have a good summer. I want to enjoy this summer. I don't even barely remember last summer. I don't really know where this thought came from, but it was a really nice day on Tuesday and I went outside and I smelled the freshness, even in the middle of a city, and I decided that this summer I'm just going to enjoy life, I'm going to enjoy God, and I'm going to enjoy the people around me.

Fascimile Emotions

Sometimes I almost feel like I'm faking it. Or perhaps I have been faking it for a long time, but am just now beginning the process of really living the way I've portrayed myself to be living all this time.

I have a very specific set of abilities and gifts. I know what I'm good at, and I love doing what I'm good at. My position as a youth pastor takes me so far outside of those giftings. In some ways that's good, because it forces me to rely on God. It forces me to kneel my heart before Him so much more than I would if left to my own devices. It forces me to seek out His help in this ministry, because I don't have the natural skills to be able to do what I need to do without supernatural help.

But in other ways it makes me feel incredibly inadequate. So much so, that I sometimes feel as though I'm just a pretender. I've learned that trying to copy others doesn't work, I have to be who God created me to be, I have to work and serve and teach and disciple in ways that come from Him through me. Trying to copy+paste other styles just doesn't work. But I still feel sometimes as though I'm just this pretender who's filling in until the real youth pastor shows up.

As I talk with older youth pastors, or people who've been involved in youth ministry for a long time, I realize just how little I really know. As I just sit there and listen to them, they have such an expanse of knowledge just right off the top of their head. Half the time I don't know any answers. I have to go and research and dig and scramble for answers. If I'm caught in a situation where an immediate answer is needed, I have to pray and hope that the Holy Spirit will bring to remembrance some truth I've been taught, or have read from the Bible. I don't want to teach wrong things. I don't want to accidentally lead people into harmful lifestyles, or into wrong thinking. But I'm afraid that I will just because of my lack of knowledge.

I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I see fruit, and it makes me happy. But I guess I won't know why I feel this way, and what I'm to learn from it until later.