Huh.. Wasn't expecting that one.

I've been meaning to post this since it happened, so here we go.

Exactly one week ago I was at work. It was a day like any other. I had set-up an event and was supervising the clients. This particular event was a Chinese Symposium put on by a nearby CSU. Lots of old people, grant writers, teachers, etc. However, there were a few college aged girls who came along to volunteer and I assume to curry favor with their teachers in order to get better grades.

This again is not terribly unusual. But as I went about my job I noticed one of the girls kept looking at me. I kind of shrugged it off as her eye just catching and following movement. But then I was operating the projector, and wasn't moving, and I noticed she was staring at me. Once again, I thought this odd, but I told myself to focus on my work and keep my head in the game.

At the end of the event, everyone was leaving and this particular girl was helping them pack their stuff out. I was helping them move their stuff as well, and I met her.

"Megan." She said her name was.

Once we were finished packing their stuff out I went back to the meeting room and she followed me, and so I turned to her, "Well, that's it. It was nice to meet you."

"Um, what else do you have to do? I can help you."

"Oh, that's okay. I can do it, don't worry about it."

"I want to."

"Uhh.. Well, okay. I was gonna start with those tables over there."

So she proceeds to help me strike the event, and we're chattering as we do the work, it takes us about 20 minutes.

When we're done, (and we're basically the only people still in the building at this point.) I say, "Well, thanks so much for your help. You know, I go to that CSU about one a week, so maybe I'll see you around."

"Do you have to do something else right now?"

"Well, I have to close up, make sure everything's locked, set the alarm, all that good stuff."

"How much longer will that take you?"

"I don't know.. Probably about 10 more minutes."

"Well.... what are you doing after?"

"I don't know... Why?"

"Would you want to hang out?"

"And do what?"

"I don't know.. Those people just gave me two free bottles of wine and some strawberries...."

At this point I can feel the heat climbing up my chest, up my neck, and into my face.

"Ahh.. I'm gonna have to take a rain check, I already have plans, I have to go to my ex-boss's house for dinner... But like I said I go to that CSU all the time, so hopefully we'll run into each other."

"Well, do you want my number or do you wanna just try to get lucky?"

"Sure. I'll take your number."

--

I texted her briefly after that to apologize. I really did feel bad after she went through SO much effort to hang out. But I dunno, it felt weird, so I decided to wait until I had more control over the environment in which we hung out.

Anyway, that's my story. She was pretty cute. Athletic form, long red hair, plays softball.

All I know is that I definitely was NOT expecting that to happen.. It's happened to me before, but last time the girl was not.. Um.. A desirable character?... This girl.. was.

A sick and tired witness.

So, these last few days, weeks, months, have been incredibly busy. From the time I wake up until I go to sleep, my day is jammed full of responsibilities; things I have to do. The sad thing is, I still don't get to many of them, because I have such a massive list of top-priorities I rarely get to the regular-priorities.

Despite the fact that I'm ridiculously busy, it doesn't get me down for the most part. Most days I still have plenty of energy and gusto for life. Most days you wouldn't be able to tell I worked 16 hours the day before. Most days you can't tell I haven't had a day off in so long I literally can't remember.

But last night on a drive home from San Jose after a nearly 10 hour day at work, in which we had three events happening simultaneously, it kinda started to hit me. I started feeling a little sick, and very tired. And this morning, at 5:30 when my alarm went off, I just felt poopy, to say the least. But I got out of bed, 'cuz we had a breakfast event this morning. And I went to work, and I set-up, and I was just feeling really sick, and very tired. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, "God, you look like death, dude." Haha.

So I was out front greeting the guests as they were arriving at the Center, and the cleaning-lady came in. Her name is Ruby. Every once in a while I get the chance to have a talk with her. She's about 26, she has two kids, both her and her husband work, her mother-in-law lives in their house. She always asks me if I have a girlfriend yet, if I'm gonna go out this weekend. And I laugh, and say no, no girlfriend yet. And no, not going out, I'm working Friday night and Saturday night again. Then we'll talk about her family and how things are going. She knows I'm a youth pastor, and she thinks I'm crazy to do this job and do that as well. But this morning she asked me about my church. And I had this amazing opportunity to invite her to come, and bring her family, and we chatted about the Catholic church, and about how her husband's family is Jehovah's Witness, but they aren't. And I got to share with her how real Christianity is not about religion, it's not about a big list of rules, things you can't do, and you're evil if you do do them. But it's more about a transformation of your heart which leads you to a lifestyle of freedom and fulfillment. It's about a real relationship with God. And she said she wants to discover something like that, and she wants to go to church, but she's just waiting until she's ready. And I told her, okay, well, when you're ready just let me know!

So God really showed me this morning that I need to always be looking out for the opportunities he's sending my way. 'Cuz they're not always gonna come when it's convenient for me. When I have lots of time, when I'm well rested, when I'm on a spiritual high. He's gonna send these opportunities in my life at the point that they're ready for me, not when I'm ready for them. But I have to allllways be willing to take advantage of those opportunities and activate the Disciple of Christ that is within me in those moments, and be obedient and be a witness and do what I know I'm supposed to do, what Christ commanded for us to do already in the Bible. I don't have to hear an audible voice to know that I needed to encourage her this morning and be loving, and to gently shine some truth on what real Christianity is beyond religion. The knowledge of that is already inside me. I don't need a cop to tell me to stop at a stop sign every time I come to one. I was taught through traffic school that I'm supposed to stop at stop signs, so I stop at them.

I was taught through the Bible I'm supposed to build others up in their faith, so I need to do it.

It's not mystic, it's not crazy, it's not weird. We just gotta do it. Practically.

To my future.

Hello, darling.

It's so good to see you today.

My heart. You know I love you. You know I'm into you.

Hey! Will you partner with me? Do you wanna go with me? Can we take ground together? Can we rise above together?

...Will you go to places that don't exist yet with me? Let's do that. Come on. I want to do these things with you. Not anybody else. Just you. Just you.

Let's deepen our connection. Let's go so deep that there is no measurement to find the depth.

Not yet? Ok... Alright! It's okay. I don't mind waiting. I don't, really. I've been waiting for all this time. You're worth it. You're more than worth it.

Know that I won't be idle. Waiting and doing nothing aren't the same thing.

I'm waiting, but I'm not idle. I'm honing, I'm preparing, I'm getting ready to not understand, to wrestle, to sacrifice, to give, to commit, to smile, to cry, to love through.

I can't wait, really. I laugh in disbelief that you're there.

I hope you know I'm here. One day we'll collide.

It will be breathtaking.

You are so beautiful.

Love,
Me.

In Remembrance of Juan

I post this in remembrance of Juan.

Today was the final day that Juan Lainez worked for me. He was an excellent worker. He worked hard and never once ever complained. He didn't speak very good English, but he told me of his family back in Salvador. He told me how he loved his son and his wife very much. He told me of how he overcame his addiction to alcohol. He is a good man. He is one of the sweetest, nicest men I've ever met. I will miss him very much.

This is for you, Juan. I pray blessing over your family, and over you.

The Streets of Salas.

It was a strange night last night, the air charged with.. Something.. But I could tell it was going to be interesting.

I had the day off yesterday. I don't much like days off.. I just feel weird when I don't work. So, at about 5:00pm I ended up going to work anyway and doing some stuff.

At 7:00 I decided that I would go for a prayer walk. So I hopped on my bike and headed home to drop off the bike and a few other things. I ride a small park/street BMX bike by Eastern Bikes. I enjoy going off jumps and trying to get air and doing tricks and whatnot. In between my work and my home there are two places in the sidewalk that have been pushed up by roots, and are quite fun to jump. I reached the first jump and sprinted forward with my bike, gaining speed in order to get as much air as possible. Even before I left the cement, I knew it was all wrong, but there was nothing I could do, I was fully committed, several feet in the air at this point. Utilizing the knowledge gained from snowboarding classes I tucked my arm in close to take the fall in a roll.

Crunch.

"Ugh!"

My left shin hit the pavement first, followed immediately by my left hip, followed by my left elbow, followed by my left shoulder, followed by the left side of my head. I somehow managed to remain aware of where my bike was and I caught it with my legs so that it didn't flip over and land on my face.

From across the street I heard an elderly women call unconcernedly, "Are you alright?" I did a quick assessment of body parts, bruised, but not broken. "Yeah, I'm good!" I called back. She turned and started speaking facing away from me, "Yeah, there's some big cracks in the pavement there, my grandson fell last week..." Her voice faded away once she realized I wasn't seriously injured, and she went back to whatever she was doing. I hopped back on my bike and rode the rest of the way home, my legs shaking slightly.

I arrived without further incident, avoiding the second jump, placed my bike in the garage then set out on my prayer walk.

I've lived in Salas now for almost a year and a half, and I very much enjoy traveling the streets. I will walk westward, then eastward, north, and south, the direction isn't very important, just the movement of my body across the earth, just the sounds and feel of the different neighborhoods, just the atmosphere of the night. The atmosphere last night was charged. I could immediately tell it was going to be one of those nights. Those nights where people are prone to mischief, where the sirens blare in the distance all night long. Those nights where it seems like the shadows themselves move. I very much enjoy those nights.

So I walked along, taking a route around behind the Jr. College track, praying and worshiping as I went. I had my red sweats pulled up to my knees, I wore my black cut-off T-shirt and green Carhartt jacket, topped off with my grey Seven-One beanie. It was a somewhat cold night, probably somewhere between the low 60's and mid 50's, so I also had my hood up. While having the hood up is beneficial for warmth, it is quite detrimental in that it severely decreases ones peripheral vision. So focused was I in my praying, and with the added lack of peripheral vision I didn't even notice as a car pulled up next to me and lowered it's windows.

Thud, thud-thudthud-thud

Something hit me from the side, bouncing lightly off my thick jacket, I turned just in time to see several people in a blue minivan as the driver hit the gas and took off down the street. I still didn't really realize what had happened until I looked down and saw some fries and chicken nuggets and paper products on the ground next to me. Then suddenly I realized, they threw food and trash at me. I didn't notice at the time but apparently the food was also covered in mustard, so now there are several large mustard stains on my jacket, which kinda sucks because it's a very expensive jacket. But at the time I didn't notice so I just chuckled slightly to myself, picked up their trash and threw it away. I think most people would have been very upset in that situation, but I realize that they weren't really targeting me, it wasn't a personal assault on my person, they were just a group of people looking for excitement, and thought it would be funny to hit some random person, I just had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But even so, I prayed for them a little bit as I continued my walk. I really wish they had stopped, or I could have found them later so I could have talked with them, ask them why they did that.

Nearing a park I knew of, I decided I would head for that and take a brief rest. Upon reaching the park I sat down on one of the benches and looked up at the stars. I noticed a man with a dog and a flash light enter the park from the other side. He walked down into the park, flashing his flash light into the bushes, and across the pavement, his dog moving with ears perked up straight. Every now and then he would bend down and pick something up on the ground.

He must be looking for something, maybe he has another dog and he lost it?

The man worked his way towards me, his dog noticed me first and moved in my direction. I sat forward as he approached. He brought his flashlight up and shined it in my eyes, "Hey there, how'ya doin'?" He said, turning his head to spit some tobacco from between his teeth. "I'm good.. Hey, are you looking for something?" I asked as politely as possible. He continued towards me, and turned off his flashlight, "Yeah.. I'm looking for people who aren't supposed to be in the park at night." I stood up, "Oh, should I leave? I was just walking around, and I was taking a break here." "Well, technically no one is supposed to be in the park sunset to sunrise, but you're ok, just don't stay in here too long." He said as he continued past me his flashlight beaming into some shadows to my right, his eyes searching their hidden depths. "You live around here?" He asked me. "Yeah, I live over by the Jr. College." I replied, "Oh, you're quite a ways from home." "Yeah, I was just taking a long walk, I don't want to stay in the park if it's not allowed so I'll just move on." "Yeah, I don't mean to kick you out or anything, we neighbors paid a lot into this park and we like to keep it clean and respected so we don't like kids coming in here at night and making trouble. I have a kid who's probably your age, you know, he gets into trouble sometimes, even though I try to teach him morals and ethics, but heck, I was your age once, I know how it is." "How long have you lived here?" I asked him. "I'm a 4th generation Salasian." And he proceeded to tell me quite a bit of his family history and how he was involved in the planning process of the park, and how he had invested 80k into it. Finally, he asked me, "Do you go to school?"
"I went last year, but I work at the NSC now." I replied.
"Really? Good for you! I hear you have a near Director down there." "Yeah. She's amazing. She's the reason we're going up now instead of down."
"Alright, well, I gotta go find my dog now, what's your name?" He asked as he reached out his hand.
"Jordan." I said as I shook his hand.
"Nice to meet, you, Jordan. My name's Bruce."
"Nice to meet you. Have a good night!"
"You too, man."

From there I began my return journey. I took a right at California St, then cut across Willow St to Main. I walked past the Motel and 7-11 and three young men ran across the street in front of me. Two of them passed by me but the third stopped and asked me if I had change for a pay-phone. I said I didn't have any change. But I noticed that he was wearing a Dye paintball jacket. I asked him if he played paintball and he said no, but then he invited me to walk with him and his two "homies". I began to walk with him, but then realized I was walking with him toward two other men, at night, down a side street. Suddenly thinking that they might be planning to mug me, I stopped. The other two men began to walk towards me, while the third continued to keep me in conversation. I asked him what they were doing, "Just cruisin' man, looking for a party." He said.

The other two men joined us and introductions were passed. The big guy who asked me for change was Andy, and his two short companions were Kenny and Danny. Andy explained to me that he was homeless. 23 years old and homeless. They asked me if I had any "bud" and I said no, I talked with them about my work, they offered me some of their 40 oz beer bottle. They also offered me some sunflower seeds, and one of them tried to sell me some prescription drugs. I denied the drugs. I continued to talk with them, I told them some about my job, and they all asked me if they could work for me. I took Andy's number, but then told them I needed to get home 'cuz I had to be at work early the next day.

I'm positive I could have outrun all three of them, but even so, I'm glad they didn't try to jump me.

I continued homeward and saw a couple of police cars in old town, they were talking to some guy, and his car was getting towed.

Not a particularly peaceful night, when all I was after was some quiet time with God. But quite interesting, and entertaining. People in Salas are afraid to walk the streets at night. You could just become another statistic, they say. But I'm not worried, overmuch. The worst that could happen is that I get shot, and below that is mugged and beaten. But neither of those things are that bad, I think.

I made it the rest of the way home without incident. It's interesting to me all the crap that will happen to you when you make a decision to spend time with God. Seems like the enemy will pretty much try anything to distract you from it.

A Night to Remember

So last night I had dream.

I was driving in a car, and I was on this winding road, out in the middle of these really tall hills with grass fields spreading all around, and it was really dark and cloudy. I was driving really fast, and it was hard to make the turns, but then this huge helicopter started flying above me, and it covered the entire horizon, the whole sky, and the blades were whirring and it made it even more difficult to see what was coming ahead. My depth perception began to get all distorted and my eyesight confused by the spinning of the helicopter blades, and so it made the turns even more difficult, not only could I not really see them coming, my eyesight was confused and my depth perception off and so I couldn't even really tell if I was turning or not, or if I was turning at the right time, even when I realized I needed to turn.

But suddenly, I just let go of the wheel, and my car flew off the road, and I was apparently very high off the ground, because as my car began to descend toward the ground, I began to float out of my car, and so soon my car is gone and I'm just kind of flying through the air towards the earth below.

flash

At this point the dream completely changed, I was still flying through the air, but everything was brighter, more vivid. Usually dreams are sort of fuzzy around the edges, never completely clear. This was the polar opposite of that, the clarity was breath-taking. So I'm falling through the air and there is a huge roller-coaster in front of me. I should also mention at this point I'm wearing this amazing purple jump-suit. So I stretch out my arms as I fall directly toward this roller-coaster and I reach out and catch one of the metal arms holding up the track. Then I climbed up onto the track and looked up.
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.
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When I woke up from that dream I was just like, "Wow! That was so clear!" And it sort of just stayed in my mind all day today. I came into contact with a few people and I just had to tell them about it. And I thought about it, and thought it was a pretty cool dream, but that was it.

Then, a few minutes ago I was in the kitchen at my work, washing some cups. And I just began to sing in tongues, and within a few seconds that dream came back into my mind, and God revealed to me that it wasn't just a cool dream.

He told me that the car I was driving in represents safety, what's safe. And I'm going through life in this little box, 'cuz I've learned how to drive in this box, and I know the rules while I'm in this moving box, plus I don't really have to work very hard to get somewhere in this box, I just put my foot on the pedal and kind of speed past everything. I don't really know where I'm going but I know I'm supposed to go forward, I know I'm supposed to be pressing towards God, but I'm sort of blindly rushing towards it. Things are dark because I lack understanding. Then the Helicopter is my secret sin, and the devil is kind of always throwing that in my face, and it confuses me and it hinders me from fully understanding where God is taking me, where He wants me to go. It messes my up my depth perception and puts fear in my heart, keeps me from trusting that God is going to take me through the next turn, I can't tell when I'm supposed to turn and I'm afraid.

My driving off the road is an accident, but God has intended it for good, through it He pulls me out of my safe little moving box and I begin to fly through the air, and as I leave behind the box of my former paradigm flash he changes my whole existence. Suddenly everything is clear and bright, I can see what's around me for miles in every direction. The jump-suit isn't significant, but the color is. It's purple. Purple represents royalty, and God was saying to me that He's going to clothe me in authority, once I leave behind my fear and secret sins and personal safety, he's going to give me a new authority that I'll walk in as I reach out and catch His calling. The roller-coaster represents my walk, my future, my destiny. It will be like a roller-coaster, with ups and downs, but unlike the road, the roller-coaster has a driver, has an engineer, who's in control, and as I let go and allow God to be in control He will take me to destinations I never before thought possible.
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How do I know that it wasn't just some silly dream? 'Cuz I seriously was thinking about it all day, and talked to people about it, and the moment I began to pray in tongues, boom! It all clicked in my mind instantly.

Craziness.

I'm mostly posting this in order to remember it.

Spiritual sparring.

So twice recently, I have woken from a disturbing dream, tossing and turning in my bed, to my heart beating quickly, and a strange pressure on my body. And so I wake up and look around and I don't see anything, but I just feel something.. dark.

It's not an overwhelming presence, just a little perverse thing. There are many, many stories about people who are awoken by things that people refer to as "ghosts" or "spirits".

Recently in my life, I've made some choices to spend more time in prayer, to increase my work ethic and overall integrity. The youth ministry I've been a part of has been growing, and we are taking ground for the Kingdom in the lives of our students. I feel like we're finally moving in the right direction. My relationship with my savior has gotten deeper. We're more connected in our community and in our larger Foursquare family.

My mentors always told us that when you start actually being effective in the Kingdom, that Satan will start attacking you. He'll do whatever he possibly can to affect your faith for the negative, to try to disconnect you from God.

These small spiritual skirmishes that have been happening in my room kinda suck, because they rob me of precious sleep, but at the same time, they're kinda encouraging, because they let me know that I must finally be doing something right. I've attracted more physical and forceful plans of attack. Usually, the devil can use more subtle attacks and just clean my clock off and then I make bad choices and end up getting off track. I think he's realizing that that time is coming to an end, and so he's getting scared and desperate, and he's trying these weird attacks at night. But if that is all he's got.. I'm not worried. I just call on God, rebuke the thing, and it immediately runs off and I roll over and go back to sleep.

I might sound crazy. And I never completely believed people who told stories like this; but it's true.

Homelessness kinda sucks.

So this weekend we had a youth event. The idea was this: A bunch of students from our youth group came over to our house, and once they arrived we had a bunch of cardboard boxes and duct tape. We built cardboard houses for ourselves then huddled around a fire which was in a large metal trash can. The goal for us was to somewhat relate to the homeless by sleeping outside in cardboard, as though we were homeless. Then the next morning we went to a homeless shelter and helped serve breakfast to the poor and homeless.

Most of the students brought sleeping bags and pillows, and they built themselves marvelous cardboard cabins that kept them mostly warm. I wanted to replicate the experience of homelessness as closely as possible, so I didn't take a pillow or a blanket or a sleepingbag. I didn't build a big cardboard mansion. I just took a piece of cardboard and laid it on the ground, then took another piece of leaned it up against our house. For warmth, I had my socks and shoes, jeans, a thermal top, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and my jacket. That sounds like a lot.. But I cannot even describe how horribly cold I was. And my lean-to kept falling over. And I was cramped in between the cardboard and the side of my house, unable to move, 'cuz if I did the cardboard would fall. My legs went numb first, then my arms. My neck was strained because there was no support of a pillow or anything. I eventually ended up laying on my stomach with my face just pressed against the ground, 'cuz that was the only way I could lay without my neck being in pain.

I managed to get a few hours of sleep in between my shivering and the aching in my joints. But it was a crazy experience. It really gives new meaning to what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9:22, "To the weak I became weak in order to gain the weak. I have become all things to all people, so that by all means I may save some."

When we went to that homeless shelter the next day, and I was talking to some of those guys, I remembered that moment at 2:38 that morning where I just could not stay in the same position any more, but I was so cold I was afraid to move. And I could relate to this guy, I could on some small level understand his hopelessness. I understood why so many homeless people take naps during the day in parks.. Because it's too cold to try and sleep at night. I honestly think if I became homeless I would stay awake all night walking around trying to stay warm, and then sleep during the day when it was warmer.

This weekend affected me in many ways. I think it's amazing that God has brought me here to this place in my life. I can't express how amazing it was to see the youth of The Resistance Youth participating and serving those in need. It made my heart happy, as they put on smiles and said, "Good morning!" cheerfully, to these dirty smelly old men as they walked past their station in the food line. I got to have a bowl of oatmeal with a mom and her 5 young children. There were those crazy, reclusive people sitting by themselves, hoarding over their food, seeming ready to fight anyone who might try to take it from them. But far more often I saw people sharing with each other, and talking with each other. It was a community of a kind. A community thrown together by the common thread of rejection. Rejection from people, and from our society. It was a community some part of myself could relate to. Many seemed without hope, but there were a few that I could see light reflecting back towards me from their eyes. There was life there, yet. I think those few just need a helping hand. A consistent helping hand. Hote, Pas, Pantote. As long as, some of all types, Always.

Why?

Why?..

A good question to ask yourself.

Today I was thinking about this question, and I began to ask myself 'why'?

Why do I want my church to be bigger? Why do I want us to have state-of-the-art equipment? Why do I want amazing, anointed people up leading worship? Why do I want a big youth ministry with tons of things going on each work, with dozens of student leaders and Youth leaders, with small groups happening all over this city, with groups of students gathering in schools praying? Why do I want our church to grow beyond the walls that we've been in for the last 12 years? Why do I want to see our building PAYED OFF, even though I've only been there for a YEAR and it seems like I'm the ONLY ONE WITH A VISION FOR IT? Why do I LONG for a CHURCH that is DYNAMIC and utilizing every resource to increase the Kingdom of God in my city? Why is what we've been doing for all these years JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME? Why am I not satisfied with what we're doing now? Do I think all the faithful people who've been coming to this church YEAR after YEAR, FAITHFULLY GIVING, FAITHFULLY GOING TO OUR PRAYER MEETINGS are NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Why do I think we need a new sound guy, new sound equipment? Can't I appreciate how FAITHFUL the one who we have now has been? Why did I think we needed a new pulpit? DON'T I KNOW THAT THE ONE WE USED TO HAVE WAS GRACIOUSLY DONATED BY AN AMAZING CARPENTER WHO USED TO GO TO THE CHURCH?! Can't I appreciate that? Can't I see how AMAZING the people who go to this church are? How DEEP their roots in Christianity are? Can't I see all the fruit this church has produced over the years? The dozens and dozens and dozens of disciples that have been produced from this church? The young people who've been raised and taught up, and released into the ministry?

Why do I burn inside for more? Why do I BURN INSIDE to see new revelation, new outpouring of the Holy Spirit, why do I BURN inside for truth to be spoken and received by those who've never been able to hear it before?

Why do I WISH people would stop being FATALISTIC and stop crying about how dim the future looks, and do something about the CRAP HEAP that they're living in? Why do I wish people would stop LOOKING AT THE PAST, LOOKING AT THE OLD EMPIRE and WISHING that things could go back to the WAY THEY WERE?!

Why do I wish my leadership wished all these things? Why do I wish my leadership would stand up and do something. Why do I have to be submitted, and watch helplessly. Why do I have to say, "Ok, Pastor. Whatever you want to do."? I want SO BADLY to take the reins. I want SO BADLY to say FINE, IF YOU WON'T DO IT I WILL! But I CAN'T. Because I have to be submitted. I have to be obedient. That's not what God called me to do. And I know that He has me where I am for a reason. I know that if I tried to do that it would probably end up a horrible mess. God has me where He has me, and I know He's going to bless this youth ministry, and I know He has amazing plans for us.

But MAN, I feel like we're struggling for it on our own over here. I feel like if the whole church could just get behind the vision of being bigger than we are now, if the our whole church could just catch a glimpse of where God could take us, man, we'd come alive. I don't want to be a church where we all just sit in our chairs, where we get excited because the Holy Spirit ACTUALLY shows up one morning. I don't want to be a church that is stagnant. I don't want to be a church where the TIDE OF BLESSING IS JUST OUT RIGHT NOW. Oh, sorry, God's not in right now, you'll have to wait for your blessing until later. NO! I want to be a church that believes, "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven."

I want to be a church that BELIEVES that God is ABLE, "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us. Through his mighty power at work within us!

THAT is what I want for our church. I want God to be moving, through his mighty power at work within us to accomplish INFINITELY more than I can even ask or think here in our city, in our church, in our county.

I want our church to be a place where JESUS is. I want us to be more than singing songs, and hear a "hermeneutic-ally"correct sermon, I want our church to be a place where we've done everything we possibly can to invite and allow the Holy Spirit to be there, where we are not satisfied with one freaking salvation a year. I want our church to be a place where HUNDREDS of people are being taught how to be disciples! Not a handful! I want our church to have enough hands where we can do practical things to change the culture from a culture of hurting others and pain and hatred to a culture of love and glorifying God and giving. I want our church to be a church that can say to the mountains in this world MOVE! And BELIEVE that they will move! I want our church to be a place that raises people with that kind of faith.

I could type until my fingers turn into bloody stumps, but I have to tie my shoes and move forward and believe on all these things will happen, and do my best to allow God's mighty power to work through me to see things that are even greater than my vision come to pass.

Release.

So last night our youth group had a lock-in. I was only able to be there for 2 hours due to my work schedule this weekend. But the amazing thing is that because of the highly gifted leadership team that God has established in our youth group I was able to rely on them 100% and they carried the night through without a single hitch. I basically was just prayer support, and I came in for 2 hours to do some tech stuff and bring up the energy level while I was there.

I find myself growing and changing in my leadership role. I've always seen myself as a leader, but I've never seen myself as a leader of leaders. But I'm quickly having to learn how to become that because of the way my position has been evolving. I'm stepping back from all the worker-oriented tasks, and moving more into a coordination role. Not because I think I'm better than basic work, I love serving, even if that means super basic things like vacuuming and cleaning toilets, I never want think I'm "too good" for that. 'Cuz I never will be. But I'm having to step back from those worker-roles out of necessity, because the workers need direction, and someone has to provide it, and that becomes such a physical and spiritual focus that I have to rely on other people to do the basic work, while I almost supervise many different people and groups of actions and making sure they're staying on track.

My whole life I have been the "go-to guy", the guy who the supervisor relies on and sends to do all the basic work. It's something I'm really good at and I love to do. But now, without me ever trying or meaning to, I'm the guy who's looking for those "go-to guys" so I can rely on them and release them into meaningful ministry.

And that is the great reward for this giant change. I get to see these leaders and students who just needed someone to encourage them, and give them responsibility, and trust them to take ownership of a role within our church; be released into the callings that God has placed on their lives. I get to see them grow and learn and stretch the muscles of their giftings, I get to help them achieve a partnership with God and be a part of our youth ministry to change lives and create disciples.

What a fascinating place God is taking our youth group. I am excited.

I always find it amazing how much things change without us noticing them. Then when you finally do notice them, or those changes get put in front of your nose, you're like... "Whoa! I really am different!" or "Whoa! Things really have changed!"

It's crazy.

To save a life.

So recently I watched the movie 'The Hurt Locker'.

It was a very, very good movie. It's the story of a squad of bomb-removal specialists in the US Army in Iraq. These are the guys who go out onto the field to disarm booby-trapped cars, tripwires, landmines, IED explosives, basically anything that goes boom. Surrounded by people in the middle of cities where anyone could pull out their cell-phone and detonate the explosive you're trying to disarm, an explosive which will most certainly end your life, you can imagine the stress and adrenaline levels going through the roof on such missions.

Throughout the whole movie you watch as this bomb squad survives the most perilous situations, skating through by the skin of their teeth at times. You also see how they cope with the stress back at base camp.

These squads stay out on the field for 1 year then are rotated out and sent back to America to resume their "normal life."

At the end of this movie, the main star is in a Costco-esque grocery store, and he's shopping with his wife and kid. Before they're about to leave the wife asks him if he can get some cereal. He goes to the cereal aisle, and you see him standing there with an aisle of cereal in front of him, in perfect order, with probably 100 different kinds of cereal. And he just stands there and shakes his head. The contrast between his life in the field, and his life at home is resoundingly apparent. It causes the mind to wonder at the sheer hollowness of existence for the average American; because it causes you to compare this grocery-outlet lifestyle with the life-saving, life-endangered, action-packed, never-know-if-you'll-live-through-the-day lifestyle of his time in the bomb squad.

Humorously enough, I found myself connecting with the main character on a personal level. Because while I clearly do not risk my life in a tangible way, the willingness to sacrifice is still there for both of us. We are both in the business of saving lives. Just in two very different ways.

And that made me ponder about my life in ministry, and everything I give up for the cause, and what my life would be like if I was removed from it.

In one of the scenes, after a particularly harrowing feat of heroism, the main character goes into the shower with all his clothes on and just turns on the water to full blast and then sinks slowly to the floor and starts crying. I can identify with that! I've been there myself!

This life I live in absolute pursuit of everything God is calling me towards is hard, it's really freaking hard, and the idea of giving up usually pops up a couple times a week. But I wonder if I really did ever give up, would I find myself standing in the middle of a giant warehouse full of useless stuff that will ultimate become nothing more than ashes and dust in the long run, and realize how ridiculously hollow and pointless my life would be without Christ?

Posting on the grind.

I learned last night that when my plans fold, I don't need to get upset. It's interesting because I really messed up last night. I didn't fall short on my responsibilities, or hurt anyone, I just made a simple mistake which kept me from hanging out with people. But it sucked, a lot.

But I didn't get upset about it. I just took it as an opportunity for growth. Instead of going to see the movie which I missed, I went to the beach and prayed and read my Bible for an hour. I had cleared my night to watch this movie and hang out... But I decided that just because that fell through didn't mean I was going to get pissed and waste the time I had cleared. I don't get a lot of free time, and I think spending it with my Savior is just as good a way to spend it(or even better) than hanging out with friends.

Sure, it sucked that I missed the movie and everything, but breathing in the cold salty night was amazing and definitely as satisfying.

Kinda nice.

Yesterday one of the boys in my youth group who is a senior spoke to the youth group. He is a very intelligent young man, one of those boys who studies hard and well, and excels in all things academic.

I have gone through a long journey with him, where we've had lunches, and I've given him rides to his Aunt's house, I've hung out with him just to play video games. He grew up in the church, but not in one that was very concerned in teaching him how he can live out the immense life God is calling him to, but one that is more concerned that he doesn't smoke, and wears good clothes, and votes Republican. You know the type I refer to?

Anyway, I always appreciated him for the person he was, he's a very neat young man, but I never really thought I was getting through to him, it often felt as though the stale Christianity he had been taught during his younger years was too deeply entrenched, and the things I was trying to help him discover would simply bounce off that crusty old mindset.

I was pleasantly surprised last night to discover the absolute opposite. I find it hard to understand how he could have changed so much in his personal thinking, in his personal understanding of how he is going to live each day, and where God wants to take him, without me ever knowing it. This is a kid I talk to a couple times a week, who I hang out with, and yet I never knew the changes God was doing in his life.

That is at once both encouraging and scary. It is encouraging because it reminds me that ultimately God is the One who is going to bring about change. God is the one who will enlighten these students to truth through the Holy Spirit. Not me. He can and will work around and despite my inability to be everywhere and doing everything. It is scary because it tells me I can be so close to a person and yet not at all know what is happening inside them. What God is doing in them. It is scary because it makes me have to reanalyze my preconceived notions of the people that I know.

But regardless, I thank God for His work in that young man's life. I thank God that he allowed me to be there and hear him talk about the changes God has been doing. How absolutely amazing. How blessed I am. I pray that God would continue to work around me. I'll do what I can, but You do take care of the rest. You take care of the miracles, Lord. Thank You.

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On a side note, I have decided to have a good summer. I want to enjoy this summer. I don't even barely remember last summer. I don't really know where this thought came from, but it was a really nice day on Tuesday and I went outside and I smelled the freshness, even in the middle of a city, and I decided that this summer I'm just going to enjoy life, I'm going to enjoy God, and I'm going to enjoy the people around me.

Fascimile Emotions

Sometimes I almost feel like I'm faking it. Or perhaps I have been faking it for a long time, but am just now beginning the process of really living the way I've portrayed myself to be living all this time.

I have a very specific set of abilities and gifts. I know what I'm good at, and I love doing what I'm good at. My position as a youth pastor takes me so far outside of those giftings. In some ways that's good, because it forces me to rely on God. It forces me to kneel my heart before Him so much more than I would if left to my own devices. It forces me to seek out His help in this ministry, because I don't have the natural skills to be able to do what I need to do without supernatural help.

But in other ways it makes me feel incredibly inadequate. So much so, that I sometimes feel as though I'm just a pretender. I've learned that trying to copy others doesn't work, I have to be who God created me to be, I have to work and serve and teach and disciple in ways that come from Him through me. Trying to copy+paste other styles just doesn't work. But I still feel sometimes as though I'm just this pretender who's filling in until the real youth pastor shows up.

As I talk with older youth pastors, or people who've been involved in youth ministry for a long time, I realize just how little I really know. As I just sit there and listen to them, they have such an expanse of knowledge just right off the top of their head. Half the time I don't know any answers. I have to go and research and dig and scramble for answers. If I'm caught in a situation where an immediate answer is needed, I have to pray and hope that the Holy Spirit will bring to remembrance some truth I've been taught, or have read from the Bible. I don't want to teach wrong things. I don't want to accidentally lead people into harmful lifestyles, or into wrong thinking. But I'm afraid that I will just because of my lack of knowledge.

I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I see fruit, and it makes me happy. But I guess I won't know why I feel this way, and what I'm to learn from it until later.